How do I know this
is all real?
I’ve never been
very good at living in the moment. My brain is always swirling,
chattering, past, present, here, there, and anywhere. Excitement
for the next gig was often what got me through tough times, or
even simply dull times. But this time, with Morrissey’s Las Vegas
residency postponed for over a year, in a world of ‘new
anything-but-normal,’ I couldn’t let myself get too excited,
or even very excited at all, because I knew, if
it didn’t happen, the crash
would be too painful. It felt like the odds were stacked against me.
Booking
flights, hotel, and planning with friends, I couldn’t allow myself
to believe.
The Canadian and US border was
still a shifting list of
incongruent rules and
complexities. It felt daunting. I’m going to meet the
one I love, so please don’t stand in my way... Even packing my suitcase 2
days before flying... I still can’t allow myself to believe. We
have to pass negative covid tests to board
our trans-border flight, or it’s not gonna happen. It’s
virtually
impossible to find a place that even offers
the tests and
documentation, and fairly last minute, we find one. It's a travel agency where the lone agent stands up from
his palm-tree pamphleted desk to dress in PPE: a face shield, mask,
gloves, and gown
to administer our testing
vials. It’s beyond
Kafakesque absurdity. Welcome to the Knockabout
2020’s.
Our
tests are negative; it
finally feels more real,
yet
I still can’t allow myself to believe it is. I
awake from a short restless nap to arrive at the airport in time for our flight. Canadian
airports remain relatively empty for summer travel, yet even masked and
with new tensions, precious
memories of past tours begin trickling into my consciousness, prompted by elements
as seemingly inert as the carpet pattern at Vancouver airport, or the
feel of sun pouring through floor-to-ceiling windows as planes
crawl out of gates. The sight
of a wind sock almost makes
me cry. Do I need help? Possibly... but who doesn’t these days?

Touching
down in Las
Vegas via
triple connection, it still
feels like Vegas.
Pandemia Vegas – flashing lights, busy casinos with chirping
slot machines, just be-masked and sanitized. It’s quite busy too,
which, after years of not doing very much, takes some getting used
to. We are staying at
the Paris, and I
can see Caesar’s Palace Colosseum’s
marquee from across the
street: my eyes are blessed by a giant glowing
Morrissey - Viva Moz Vegas -
an angelic handsome devil in white. Is
it real yet?
On
gig day I can hardly eat,
which isn’t anything shockingly
new. I preen with great care
in preparation for the show: if I’m nervous inside, I may as well
look as nice as I can. Hours tick down, down, down, and then, through
scorching evening desert
heat, the surreal walk to the venue begins. Crowds
saunter, and suddenly my legs burst
with more energy than they
have had since 2019. I feel as if I’m emerging from a chrysalis, and
my wings ache to move as I weave between barely-moving drunk
tourists, smoky poker sugar
daddies, and glitzy
showgirls. Oh,
the butterflies. I’m
going to see the one I love, so please don’t stand in my way!

In Caesar’s Palace, a blur
of reproduced Roman gods and goddesses, lovely smooth marble
physiques,
and
jewelled carpets all reel past, a backdrop to our
true purpose, and we arrive
at the tall, heavy wooden entrance doors to the Colosseum – does it
feel real now? Familiar fan faces approach – and giddy reunions
of disbelief occur. I missed my friends. And
then... the clock strikes, and doors swing open.
Talk
about nerves – the contents of my purse fly everywhere as I race into the lobby, but I'm way too giddy to feel embarrassed. Thunderous pounding makes my veins pulse with life and - deep
breath – I take the walk through
lush darkness down velvety
steps to the stage. My
seat is front row, Jesse’s
side of the stage. There is
no barrier, no distance, and in a strange moment, my elbows once
again touch the cool embrace
of the stage. It feels like
home.

Looking
up at the backdrop star, who
I later learn is actor
Steve Cochran, it suddenly seems
as if time, with all that endless waiting and worrying, hasn’t passed –
and I am in the moment.
Pre-show
songs begin and I’m back
where I was in
2019. In my worst waves
of pessimism (of which I admittedly endure
many), I worried this would never happen again, for, ultimately –
governments
- operating under varying
levels of incompetency, have
more control over us than I ever, in
my naivete, realized, and,
without getting more political than I need to be, as this isn’t my
purpose here, I had lost a
lot of hope.
As
Lypsinka’s wails fill the screen, I feel as if I have at least 5 hearts coursing through my body and pulsing through my hands. I
think this is how it feels to be alive – all
passion and nerves. And
then, from the depths of backstage, through lights and misty smoke,
Morrissey appears, looking
absolutely gorgeous, his silver quiff catching glimpses of light, his
blue eyes once again reunited with his audience. He wears a
beautifully tailored grey double-breasted suit jacket, a t-shirt cut at
the neck to reveal a delicate
white
rosary, and dark wash jeans. Good
looking man about Vegas indeed!

“When you walk
without ease...on these... streets where you were raised,” his
voice pours, so longed for, so smoothly, better than gold, into our
yearning, starved ears. The guitars phrase, swelling and sparkling: it is nothing short of mystical.
This is the first time Never Had No One Ever
has been played live since 1986. It's one of my favourite Smiths
songs, and once again,
I
can’t quite believe anything is real. On the backdrop, young
Morrissey watches over in black and white, as
he sings his life to us.
The
band lineup has changed since I last saw Morrissey back in 2019, with the addition of Alain Whyte on guitar, Solomon Walker
on bass, and Brendan Buckley on drums. As in 2019, Jesse Tobias is on
guitar and Gustavo Manzur is on keyboards. The band is fierce and
energetic, with just the
right amount of swagger, and
it’s particularly enjoyable to observe how much fun Alain and
Solomon have as they interact: the makings of a great team. The
group is
tight and
energetic, and I can’t wait to hear more out of them.
 |
| Photo by @mischievousnose |
It’s
a night of live debuts from Morrissey’s extensive catalogue,
including many from his most recent album, I Am Not A Dog
On A Chain. Knockabout World is
especially brilliant live, and Mozzer's voice soothes the most jagged and
ragged of souls.
Fans sing along ardently, as he shakes hands, reconnecting with us,
accepting our gifts, and life feels like life
again, not
merely existence.
This Night Has
Opened My Eyes
is an
emotional
surprise, another Smiths track not aired since 1986:
save
your life... because you’ve only got one. I
cannot believe my ears, eyes, heart!
 |
| Photo by @mischievousnose |
The
night is not without some Las Vegas bedlam, for it is a Saturday
night after all, and drinks are plentiful, and at one point a
long-lasting stage invasion occurs, as some fans, including a woman
donning
gilded platform shoes, join
the frenzy. I
feel fairly fortunate
not to get a disco
boot
to the face in all the limbs and craziness. As the night rolls on, the towering
walls of the Colosseum
pound with energy through a spirited cover of The
Pretenders’
Back on The Chain
Gang and
the
defiant
mic cord whips of Irish
Blood, English Heart. It
is vibrant, fearless, raw.
“This
microphone is my headstone”
... and
the night
draws to a close,
with a
moving double encore of I’ve
Changed My Plea to Guilty,
and
Jack The Ripper,
where
Morrissey flings a pale pink blazer into the clutching, hungry
hands of the audience.
And
the next night... we get to do it all again.
Sunday,
August 29th
I
would say it’s beginning to feel real now... but I keep feeling
afraid I’ll wake up from this
exquisite dream. We have our own little party going at the rail,
snapping selfies, and catching up with friends, enjoying
the pre-show music. While not all international playboygirls are able to make it due
to travel restrictions and
many are dearly missed, it
is wonderful to see so many familiar faces, and the love of Morrissey
has brought many great friendships into my life.
Pre-show
videos add to the burgeoning, volcanic excitement, showcasing
Morrissey’s influences and loves. I enjoy the Supremes’
Reflections
especially, as it reminds me of a childhood cassette and long-ago
kitchen singalongs. Human League’s Sound
of The Crowd and The
Ramones’ Loudmouth
inspire
surges of energy
in
an already exuberant crowd. These videos are truly a big part of the ritual of a Morrissey concert,
building up to the coveted
moment he appears on the stage.
Twin James Baldwins appear on the towering backdrop and delicious wisps of fog bloom, and the moment arrives, when Morrissey and the band emerge from backstage. Tonight, Morrissey wears an embroidered navy blue suit, and as he walks closer and my eyes adjust, I see he is wearing a gift I've given to him - a little humpback whale pin. I feel my heart overflow with immeasurable joy: it means everything to me to see him wear it.
The band erupts into How Soon Is Now?, chords aflame and lights aflicker, and the son and heir croons those beloved, familiar lines, always a lifeline. It’s otherworldly. Allow me to gush: there’s no possible way I’m 40 years
old and feeling so vividly alive, and my spirit soars like I am 20, as my ears are dazzled by surrounding screams. The
experience, after months upon months of hiding indoors, feels like
being thrust into another, seemingly impossible realm, celestial and
perfect. It is surreal. I don’t have the exact words, so I won’t
even try to...
Tomorrow, not played live since
2008, is an atmospheric addition to the set. With
its driving tempo and accented guitars, it
gives a great sense of how
well Alain and Jesse play
together. Tomorrow, will It really come? And if it does
come? Will I still be human?
speaks to me about how time has felt over the past 18
months ... so motionless,
wondering if the days would
ever
even pass. It is divine
healing at its best.

Call me morbid, call me pale... Morrissey
sings softly, over weaving guitars, with
the New York Dolls pouting glamorously on the backdrop behind him.
Half a Person, played
here on US soil for the first time since 2000,
is pure magic: merging
sombreness and
self-deprecation with a dash
of humour, yet clinging to
that small flicker
of hope that keeps one going. I’m not sure any other artist speaks
to that very human experience
the way Morrissey does. And
the crowds luff him - as he grasps hands, signs records, and fans
cry, sing along, scream with excitement. The
venue is a rare fireball of
life and passion, so far
removed from the dismal,
distal outside
world. Morrissey, in fact, broke records for merchandise sales at
Caesar’s Palace on opening night. The press, unfortunately, rarely
mentions such triumphs, or these outpourings of love, painting a
vulgar picture of untruths.

Love Is On Its Way Out, from
I Am Not A Dog On A Chain, is
a potent, poignantly relevant number. Never
one to admire the 'royals,' Morrissey’s
backdrop for the song is a photo of sad
rich Prince Harry, who smiles dumbly while holding a rifle over a buffalo he has just killed. Love
Is On Its Way Out is
a song of few words, masterfully
simple yet striking; it laments the pain permeating the world, where our daily news
is
saturated
with death and destruction. The
lyrics, sung so smoothly and beautifully, jar with images of
suffering : Did you
see the headlines? Did you see the grablines? Did you see the nerve
gassed children crying? Did you see the sad rich... hunting down,
shooting down elephants and lions? How
isolating to exist as a
sensitive soul in such a
toxic world, and yet, deep down, hope for love. Once
again, Morrissey captures
this condition
so purely. “Take time, be mine, and gaze with fondness on
the wrong one.”
"Art is not a crime."
September 2nd
While the residency will continue for a total of 5 shows, I must
return home after Night 3. For me, this show was very emotional, as
it is never easy to say goodbye-for-now, especially in this current
world of such uncertainty. “I’m happy just to be here”
How Soon Is Now? opens the set as an adrenaline punch to the
chest, and as Morrissey thrashes the stage with his microphone cord,
I feel rejuvenated, alive, exorcised. How can I possibly convey what these
nights have meant to me, with mere words? Tonight, he wears a finely tailored navy
blue suit, a floral tie, an almond-toned shirt, a beautiful, sparkly bracelet, and the humpback whale
pin (my heart <3). His voice is impeccable and the band
is fierce, as the night continues with Everyday Is Like Sunday
and Irish Blood, English Heart.
Ouija Board’s haunting notes dance like teardrops on
spiderwebs, and as he takes my hand during the song, every second of
my life feels worth it to get here, to this moment. Now My Heart is
Full.
“When you’re finished here tonight, do you scuttle back to the
casinos?... I think there were more nos than yesses, which is very
sad.” And muted trumpet notes
indicate Morrissey’s cover of Melanie’s Some Say I Got
Devil, a rich, dark piece of
music, so well suited to the one who penned I Am Two
People. Dramatic percussion and luxuriously dark piano beguile. Morrissey's voice captivates, every note blessing the air it meets. Awestruck, as the
spotlight falls across his face, I am reminded of seeing him sing
this in Canada back in 2019. My heart is in knots in the most
beautiful way possible.

You Are The Quarry’s Let Me Kiss You
makes a comeback to the setlist – and it’s super-ultra-dreamy
(sorry, I can’t help it!) With playful lyric changes like “I’ve
heard that you’ll try anyone twice”
and a mesmerizing mini-striptease featuring his tie, the live
experience is deliciously
rapturous. Towards
the end of the song, he
flings the tie into the audience, which a friend of mine is lucky
enough to acquire part of,
and we moon giddily over it
with glasses
of bubbly
prosecco after the show.
And then... after Jack The
Ripper and “I luff yous”,
he disappears into the smoky darkness, out
of my sight, yet rooted deeply in my heart.
These shows were everything to me,
and I feel so, so lucky to have been able to attend. They reminded
me that there is still beauty in the world, that there is still
music, art, and life. Yes,
the modern world can be, and
is perhaps more than ever, an ugly, fearful,
isolating place... but we
have music, and we have an artist who still has the courage to be
himself, speak his mind, and sing his life. And for that, I am so
very grateful.
all photos by me unless otherwise credited